Read this.
Jenkins is dead.
"Hal Jenkins of Manhattan died today
at the age of 106."
Wow.
Just goes to show you, huh, sir?
One day you're here, and...
A century later...
Poof.
Makes you think.
Guess how he died, Mike.
Snapped in half and crumbled into a ball of dust?
He was jogging on the treadmill at my club
and fell over. Do you know what this means?
An old guy got flung across the room?
No. Well, yes.
But it also means there is an opening at cabot house.
Sir, with all due respect, you know,
they probably haven't pried Jenkins out of the wall yet.
You know how I feel about your club.
It's elitist, it's exclusionary, it's snobbish...
Why do you think it's so hard to get in?
All right. Listen up.
Thank you!
I want everyone to stay away from
a reporter named Phil hockner.
Look at this cheap shot.
He said the mayor didn't come through on his promise
to clean up the South bronx landfill.
Mike...he didn't.
Well, you go...
Try and clean up a landfill,
and--and you come back
and you tell me that isn't a cheap shot.
Mike, old Buddy.
You are looking sharp.
You have got a thing going on...
And you are down with the ladies.
How much money do you want, James?
Just enough for lunch?
Come on. This is the fifth day in a row!
Please tell me you're not spending this
on that childish train set.
Childish! Mike, I'm not the one
who has that stupid vibrating football game.
I've seen that at the store, Mike. It says ages 8-12.
O.k., first of all...
This isn't about me.
Second of all, the box says ages 8 and above.
I'm above.
What do you want the money for, James?
I'm learning to play a new street game called three-card monte.
Mike, all you have to do is find the queen.
Find the queen!
That sounds like a game that--
sounds like a game that Carter would play.
Isn't Carter the city champion?
That sounds like Carter reading the personal ads.
There. Can we go eat now?
Don't worry, Mike. I'm gonna make all my money back.
The guy in front of me wins all the time.
No way!
It's not the same guy every time, is it?
It is!
I haven't got all day to try and explain this to you,
so let me just say this: I forbid you to play that game.
O.k.?
Listen, uh, Stacy,
I'm gonna have lunch with the mayor at his club,
so can you put these business cards in your rolodex for me?
O.k. I'll tell you what.
I'll, uh, put the first one in...
And I'll get you rolling.
Gimme a break, Mike. I'm reading a classic here.
Don't you want me to better myself?
She's in our book club. A bunch of women from city hall
are meeting tomorrow for a group discussion.
A girls' book club? Why don't you just buy--
why don't you just buy a condo in Florida, get 6 cats,
and call it a life?
Will you stop doing that?
So admit it. You enjoyed our little squash game.
Uh, afraid not, sir.
Why not?
You played naked.
Well, that's one of the perks of the club.
You aren't encumbered by gym clothes.
I do feel that I was at a disadvantage because...
I couldn't look at you.
So, sir, I thought the cabot house
changed its charter a few years back to, uh... admit women.
Well, we did,
although there aren't many female members...
I'm guessing none.
How did you know?
Well, I had a look at the club registry.
The president of the ladies' auxiliary is, uh...
Frank costello.
I know you have moral objections, Mike, but you see...
I grew up in a world of boys' schools,
boys' clubs, boys' dances.
What ever happened to that world?
It's called San Francisco.
Psst!
I understand Mike put the kibosh on the gambling?
What's it to you?
I happen to know somebody in the office
who can help you win your money back.
Really? Who?!
Pick a card, any card.
Got it.
Don't tell me.
7 of clubs.
7 of clubs! That's amazing!
Oh, my gosh. You turned the whole deck into 7 of clubs!
James, I happen to be a master
of the sleight of hand,
or as we like to call it-- prestidigitation.
I went to magic camp 3 summers in a row.
At the end of the third year,
I got my certificate of completion.
Isn't it a one-year course?
You wanna win your money back or what?
The cabot house is like a second home to me, Mike.
I was just hoping it would win you over.
No offense. It's just...
It's not my type of crowd.
That's Jeff gibbons over there.
He's a ceo of Pierce brothers publishing.
Bryan rush manages the largest mutual fund in America,
and, of course, you know John dorris!
Well, look who's here.
Hey, Flaherty!
You know, if you ever wanna get out of politics
and put your law degree to real use,
give us a call.
Thank you, John. I'm flattered.
He's with me.
So, you see, Mike?
Well, I have to admit, sir,
there are some very impressive people here, but, uh...
I just--
oh, that's good!
Wait, wait, wait! Don't take another bite
until Jerry loosens you up with a little deep-tissue massage. Jerry!
Really, sir, don't bother,
because it's not gonna change my--
oh, God, that's good.
Oh, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
Hey.
Hey, Mike.
Yeah, I know. 7 of clubs.
So, Mike, did you have a nice time at your lunch?
Of course not, Stuart. He will not tolerate that kind of sexism.
He is an enlightened man.
Tell me you did not have a good time at that lunch.
I did not have a good time at that lunch.
I had a great time at that lunch.
Yes!
# Men, men, men, men #
how could you have a good time at a place like that?
Oh, Nikki, have you ever had your butt massaged
between salad and main course?
Unfortunately, yes.
Mike, that club is nothing but a bunch of wealthy guys
who sit around and make decisions that affect other people's lives.
I have to land on the female side on this one.
Well, knock me over with a feather!
Really, Mike, it just reeks of discrimination.
I mean, if they don't accept women,
they're probably not too hot about gays and blacks, either.
Not my kinda place. Ha!
To Carter!
Hear, hear.
You guys are the best!
Carter, you really should meet my nephew.
He's gay.
To hell with your nephew.
I'm gay!
Oh ho!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Oh, my.
Stacy, what did you think about the great gatsby?
I think it's nice to know that however rich you get,
there's still the same problems-- drinking and cheating,
the lost innocence of a dissolute generation.
I read that off the book jacket.
Hey, am I late?
I think you're confusing late with uninvited.
Oh. Apparently your little club doesn't allow men.
How ironic.
Of course we do. If they read the book.
I read the great gatsby. Really?
Yeah. I picked it up while I researching nicknames for my--
Stuart!
No. Little Stuart.
Burgers really were better at the cabot house,
weren't they?
Plus...
They have that ketchup boat...
Which is nice.
It's just too bad
that we object to that place on...
So many levels.
Ah. So...many.
Be nice to go back.
We could go back, give 'em a piece of our minds.
Tell them how outraged we are.
Maybe grab a little lunch.
Just a quick bite. We'll really rub their noses in it.
Deputy mayor Michael Flaherty!
Ah. Annoying reporter, Phil hockner.
Got a second to answer a question?
For you, Phil?
No.
I have a picture of the mayor...
Exiting an exclusively male club.
All right, Phil. I'm gonna level with you.
This picture was taken months ago when the mayor was a member.
But, uh...he found out they weren't admitting women.
He quit, and he swore he'd never set foot in the place again.
So unless you have any more questions, please excuse us.
We were having a little conversation about how difficult it is
for women to get ahead in this male-dominated world.
Well, you, uh...
Shut him down very nicely.
It's politics, Carter.
You gotta stay one step ahead.
Hey, janelle. Yeah, where's the mayor?
Ah. At the club.
Ha ha. Course he is.
O.k.
Thank you.
All right. I'm heading down to cabot house.
You go back and hold down the fort.
Fine. But if I hear you had a hamburger
or got a massage,
so help me God, there's gonna be trouble.
Round and around and around she goes,
and where she ends up
nobody knows.
Show it to me.
Aw, man! I'm so sorry. You have a nice day now.
Hey, hey, hey!
My man!
This is my friend right here.
This is my personal atm.
What you wanna do?
Ah, ah, ah. Not so fast, bub.
I'm gonna play for the kid today.
Oh, big brother. All right.
So what's the wager?
Whaddaya say to a finsky, huh?
O.k.
You know the rules.
Do I need to sell him a pamphlet?
Nice try. I already bought a pamphlet.
Let's get goin', all right?
O.k. So here we go.
You gotta watch the queen to get the green.
You don't watch the queen, you can't get the green.
See, the trick, James...
Is to keep your eyes...
On the queen.
Wanna get that green. Gotta show me that queen!
The l-the lef-- no, no! O.k., stop! O.k.! The right! The right!
O.k., stop! The middle!
O.k. The middle. The middle. The middle.
Yes!
All right, Paul! We won! All right!
O.k. O.k. Now...
We go for the big bucks. James, give me your wallet.
Sir?
Over here, Mike.
There you are.
Listen, I need you to get dressed.
We gotta get out of here.
Oh, I just sprayed some eucalyptus oil, Mike. Smell it.
Sir, I grew up in new York.
I'm not gonna fall for that.
Come on, let's go. I'll explain to you in the car.
Then again, why rush?
It's so nice in here.
Still there, isn't he?
I'm losing faith in my plan to wait him out, sir.
I don't believe the guy's
just gonna sit by my locker
and hope that I show up.
Seems like a stupid plan, doesn't it, sir?
Here we go. Round and round she goes,
and where they stop, nobody knows.
Find the queen-- it's here! Damn!
You just lost to yourself.
When will you guys learn? You can't win at these games.
Oh, yeah? Here. Find the Lady.
And round and round she goes, and...
Find the queen.
Damn!
I thought you said you can't win.
No, I said you can't win.
The reason you can't find the queen
is because they palm it.
Palm it? James, hand me my big book of magic terms.
Wait. They cheat? This isn't fair!
Yes, James, cheating isn't fair.
Kids, thanks for tuning in to this week's after school special,
the boy who played three-card monte.
Yeah, I'm calling about a fire.
No, no, not to report one.
To request one.
I want you to send some trucks...
And clear this building out.
Louise...
Louise, I'm the deputy mayor.
I will decide what is illegal.
Louise?
Ah, damn it.
Phone shorted out.
Sir, I told you this club was not a good idea.
You have to understand something, Mike.
This place fills a void for me...
My daughter's all grown up. My wife is gone.
Plus I'm the mayor. It's not easy to meet new people.
I'm sorry you're not gonna have a relationship
with this club anymore,
but if you ever want a friend,
you want someone to hang out with, just call me.
Oh, Mike, you don't want to hang out with me.
You're single, you're attractive...
You're the mayor.
You're a babe magnet.
You know, I was considered, uh...
Quite the wingman in my school days.
Did a little flying myself in college.
Ho ho!
My most famous mission...
30 seconds over gladdis.
O.k. Now I see how they do it.
All right, Carter, come here. Bet with me.
I don't want to bet with you. I just taught you how.
Come on. $5.00, and find...
The queen!
Flip those two.
What?
I said flip those cards.
2 kings!
So...this must be the queen,
unless you're cheating, of course.
You're killing me, Carter!
(Telephone rings)
hello?
Uh, yeah. Mike.
I'll be right there.
In fact, I'll take a cab.
Gatsby had a chance at Daisy when they were young and single, and he walked away.
He has a point.
The only thing I don't get is if Daisy loved him,
why didn't she just leave her husband?
Women honor their commitments. They don't feel comfortable cheating.
Huh. It really is hard finding a good cheating woman.
I have a question for you.
This guy I've been seeing
last night gave me a really expensive necklace for no reason.
What does that mean?
One of us gave up free tickets to the rangers game
to stay home and read last night,
so either I want to see a fight break out,
or I want to talk about this book.
Fine. Stuart, what does it mean if...
Gatsby were to give a very expensive necklace
to Daisy for no reason?
He's feeling guilty because he's fooling around.
Really?
I really like the necklace, though.
Voila!
I made it.
What the hell are you doing in here?
You're supposed to cause a diversion so we can get out!
You just told me to just come right down.
Read...between... The lines!
Fine, I'll just go right back...
No, no, no. That's too risky.
You gotta stay here now. He might see you.
Oh, man.
Well, there's no phone, so...
I guess we just wait here until...
One of the other members comes to help us out.
I prefer to steam alone.
I booked the room for the whole day.
It's just never enough for you, is it?
Trying to break a sweat there, Mike?
I have no phone.
Nobody is coming to help us!
Your cell phone's back on.
I'm back in business!
(Ring)
yeah?
Stacy, listen to me.
Mike, is that you?
I want you to listen very carefully
and do everything I say.
First...cancel my vacation to Florida.
Second...
I am trapped in the cabot house steam room
with the mayor.
I want you to get everybody together,
come down here, and create a diversion
so we can get--hello?
Hello?
Day of reckoning.
The point of no return.
Gimme the money. It is now or never--
all of it, James.
Good-bye, guys.
(Groaning) ahh...
Mike, could you spray some more eucalyptus?
So thirsty...
# Sooooo #
thirsty.
(Whispers) so thirsty.
As someone who's been here longer than you,
I don't want to hear it.
I've been here the longest.
Man, that guy's patient.
Oh, sure. He's in a climate- controlled environment.
We're in hell.
I pity the man who has to Wash this towel.
This is not good.
Wait a second. This is the diversion!
We should be leaving!
All: Ta-da!
No! No!
Why does everybody insist on breaking in here?
Create a diversion and get everyone down here.
Frankly, I think I deserve a bonus.
It's been like this all day.
I'm gonna put my suit back on...
The rest of you, if you're not already naked,
strip down.
Mike!
You heard the man. Exactly what he says.
Can you help me with my pants?
Come on, mr. Man!
Here we go!
Oh, ho! It's Wisconsin and his big brother.
What, y'all want another beating?
$300!
You wanna bet $300?
(Tough voice) you heard the man.
All right, y'all.
Come on, let's do this.
$300. Find the queen, you keep the green.
Show me the queen, you keep the green.
Show me the queen. Where the queen? Where the queen?!
Turn over those two!
Cop!
Wait!
Come back!
He took all my money.
But, the point is
is that he didn't beat us.
You see? Because there is no queen. Look! King! King!
King!
Can I have a sip of that?
Deputy mayor Mike Flaherty.
One second, annoying reporter Phil hockner.
Here's some towels.
Stuart: We don't need 'em!
Nikki: Shut up, Stuart!
With you here, Mike, I've got my story.
Mayor hides ties to elitist club.
Randall Winston hides nothing.
He's a man...
Whose actions speak louder than his words.
He's a man... Of great vision.
I can't see.
With all due respect, sir, I've got ya.
With all due respect, Phil, no, you don't.
Come on in, guys. Right here.
The mayor has a statement to make about the admission of women here
at cabot house.
Sir...
Cabot house has to catch up to the times.
I'm afraid we have to go co-ed.
Oh, hell, I'm delighted we have to go co-ed.
All right. Let's get some pictures.
I want some copies of these.
I'm not much of a bar type of guy.
I'm really only here with the book club.
What are the odds that I'm gonna find a woman here
who wants what I want? A commitment, children,
a cedar closet.
Wow...I never met someone who I felt so in touch with.
How do you know so much about women?
Books. I'm a reader.
I thought we were having a book club.
We are. Hi.
We just phased out the book reading part of the book club.
How are you?
Shh, shh, shh. Sports center's on.
Very nice.
Man: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
(Barking)
moo.